Sperm Whale Vs Giant Squid: A death metal match beneath the sea

Posted: June 10th, 2010 | Author: Lara Assaf | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: battle, Berkley Illustration, fight, giant squid, Lara Assaf, Ryan Berkley, sperm whale, underwater | 5 Comments »

{ The Whale Wins Print from Berkley Illustration }

I’m positively giddy with excitement.  Why, you ask?  Because I’m very happy to introduce a new guest post by my dear babykins, Lara Assaf.  In honor of Jacques-Yves Cousteau’s birthweek, she’s sharing an epic tale of underwater combat with Westervin.  OhGAWD it’s so good!

Disclaimer: the author confirms her awareness of a somewhat popular indie film entitled The Squid and the Whale; however, seeing as the movie addresses nothing of the legendary combat between the two creatures, she feels this article is more than called for.

I should start out by saying that I am very far from the first person to take note of the awesome brutality of the ancient war between two primordial titans of the sea: the sperm whale Physeter macrocephalus (credentials: largest toothed animal on planet earth, deepest diving mammal, flat cute head) and the giant squid Architeuthis dux (credentials: creepiest animal on planet earth, giant freaky eyes, appropriately mysterious). Nevertheless, I think most might agree that the subject is wildly under publicized given its unparalleled coolness, and so one more appeal to spread the news can’t hurt.

Fact: Giant Squid vs. Sperm Whale is the wickedest rivalry Mother Nature ever thought up. Want proof? Let’s take a brief look at those involved:

THE SPERM WHALE. True to its namesake, the sperm whale is full of vitality and determination, and calorie-rich. They can dive for up to an hour and almost two miles deep. And their favorite meal is squid, the bigger the better.

THE GIANT SQUID. While just as eerie as regular squid, this species (as well as its close cousin, the colossal squid) has the added boon of being up to four stories long. And check it: giant squids are spooky, mysterious and mean. A brief list of creepy-squid characteristics:

1. Indigestible rock hard beaks that are hidden underneath their sinister cone heads,
2. Prehensile penis (which means it can GRAB ON TO THINGS) up to 3 feet long,
3. A radula, which is a tongue covered with razor-sharp teeth,
4. Suckers covering each of their 10 tentacles, each filled with tiny cutting hooks in each one,
5. Eyes over 1 FOOT LONG,
6. AN EXTREMELY COMPLEX AND ADVANCED NERVOUS SYSTEM AND BRAIN. AAAAAAHHHHHH

I think we may all agree that giant squids are inarguably the most terrifying creatures ever imagined. We think. Which is where the secret weapon of the squid comes in: its mystery. Fact: nobody really knows anything about them. And what we do know is really, really scary.

Okay, so the stage is set. Two archaic and brutal players ready to carry out an epic battle in the blackest depths of the unexplored sea. How does it go down?

From what we know, it happens something like this: the whale spots the squid (in reality, he wouldn’t “spot” the squid — whales detect their prey through sonar. Whoop!), smacks his lips, and charges. The squid bolts. The end.

Sometimes, though, it happens like this: same scenario, except the squid charges too. And it slaps its heavy tentacles right in the whale’s face and rips the hell out of him, and the whale wigs out and bolts.

{ Untitled from Black Iowa Dirt }

SOMETIMES though, it happens like THIS: whale charges squid. Long, bloody fight, in which both get messed up. Then, the whale gains the upper hand, firmly bites down on the torso of the squid, and jets up toward the surface. The whale, which has an internal ballast system, can deal with the swift and massive changes in pressure, but he knows the squid isn’t built for it, can’t handle it, so he clamps down and swims as fast as he can move his 90,000 pound body, and as he nears the top the squid’s internal organs and blood vessels and brain grow bigger and bigger until the entire body BURSTS, has a literal internal combustion, and the squid instantaneously dies a horrifying death.

Yes. Yes, my friends, it is true that this is real, and happens every day, out there in the ominous deep. Can there possibly exist anything more death metal? I hope not. I do submit to you, however, that there is a powerful inspiration that lies in the example of the timeless war between these dinosaurs of the sea. That perhaps, if we commit ourselves every day, we ourselves may aspire to reach some degree of brutality that these monsters have achieved. And one day, thousands of years down the line, having taught our children who have taught their children the endless struggle to be this brutal, perhaps our own race might achieve the death metal status of those wondrous beasts, the Sperm Whale and the Giant Squid.

{ Squid vs Whale Silkscreen Print from Doug Ross }

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